The Stalker Club
by SulpiciaDoesntApprove
Summary: Belarus just wanted to spend a normal, quiet afternoon at the park, stalking her brother. But the bushes seem to be crowded with creeps these days... – Belarus, Norway and Switzerland bond over creepy, obsessive sibling stalking.


_**Moar **__**Hetalia crack.**_

_**Warnings for... crack (duh!), stupidity and – obviously – creepiness on Belarus, Norway and Switzerland's behalf.**_

_**Enjoy. ;P**_

„Belarus, what are you doing?"

The icy, emotionless voice coming directly from behind her made Belarus jump. She had to admit, she had been much too preoccupied with watching Russia to notice that someone had snuck up on her. Although that voice sounded rather familiar...

She turned around slowly, just to find herself looking at a stern, pale face and a pair of dull amethyst eyes.

Norway.

He looked like he already knew the answer to his question though, and he crouched down next to her without waiting for her answer, joining her in her hiding spot behind the huge bush.

Then again, she was probably being rather obvious, considering her black, skin-tight latex suit, the puffy, auburn wig (the store had been out of black, and red would have been too easily visible from afar) and the high-tech binoculars around her neck... Okay, yes, so maybe that was not what you usually wear when you go to the park to simply meet your friends and read a book and enjoy the warm spring day...

"Just stalking my brother," Belarus replied, before turning her head and looking through her binoculars once again, "nothing special."

"I see." Norway nodded.

"We are going to get married soon," she informed him, focusing on Russia's lips. He was laughing his childlike, carefree laugh, not aware that he was being watched just now.

Norway, not a man of many words, kept quiet.

Russia was now making his way towards an ice cream stand, Belarus' keen eyes still following his every movement. Even though it was a sunny, warm spring day, he was still wearing his favorite scarf around his neck. He looked even more handsome today than usual. And the way the sun beams were reflected off his shiny, beautiful hair...

Belarus was pulled out of her daydreaming effectively as Norway nudged her shoulder. "There is someone to our right," he informed her.

And indeed, somewhere to their right, she could hear something (or someone) shuffle. She quickly turned her head and scanned the area, checking if it wasn't the Russian secret service coming for her. Well, those fuckers would go down anyway, but– ... no, it was only Switzerland crawling from bush to bush on all fours in what she assumed to be some ridiculous military exercise. Nothing out of the ordinary.

"He could still need some improving," Norway remarked dryly.

Belarus nodded in agreement, then turned back towards the Nordic nation. "Say, what are you doing here anyway?" she asked, curiosity getting the best of her.

He nodded vaguely to their left. "Keeping an eye on my little brother. What does it look like?"

And indeed, now that Belarus turned her attention in that direction for once, she could see Iceland a couple of hundred yards to their left, sitting cross-legged in the grass of the small clearing, talking to Liechtenstein, who was sitting across of him, her back turned against the bushes where Belarus and Norway were hiding, so Belarus couldn't see her face. She could hear her laugh happily though. And... was that a smile on Iceland's usually so stoic face?

"Are they on a date?" she asked Norway.

The man merely grumbled in return, Belarus already assumed he hadn't heard her question. But then he suddenly turned his head to look at her again. "... mind if I borrow these for a second?" he asked, pointing at the binoculars she was still holding.

However, he wasn't really polite enough to wait for her response, so by the time the girl opened her mouth to answer, he had already grabbed them from her hands like he owned them or something.

_How rude... _Belarus simply shrugged and used the time to readjust her wig and pick all those loose leaves from all the bushes she had crawled around in from her head.

"Liechtenstein..." Norway grumbled, observing the pair attentively through Belarus' binoculars, "I don't trust her... I bet that sickly sweet, innocent smile of hers is just an act, a façade to lead us all astray..."

Belarus sighed and stretched out her hand to poke him, interrupting his conspiratorial talk and earning herself an icy glare. It was not like she cared though.

"Say..." she asked casually, tucking a loose strand of her blonde hair back under her wig, "I don't want to question your motives for being all overprotective over Iceland... but is there a possibility that you might just be taking this a little more seriously than you should? Not that I'm the one to judge, but I'm pretty sure you are showing all the symptoms of a creepy, obsessive stalker..."

Norway's dull blue eyes narrowed. "I'm just making sure that he is safe. As an older brother, I have to protect him."

"Like he does?" Belarus gestured to their right, where Switzerland was just creeping from one bush to the next in his tarn suit, being extra careful not to be seen and steadily advancing to where a still completely oblivious Iceland and Liechtenstein were sitting.

"... never mind."

Belarus just smiled knowingly.

She recognized the signs of creepy, obsessive sibling love just too well when she saw them. Because, well... she _did _happen to be something like an expert in this field...

It was about one or two minutes later when Switzerland almost tripped over Norway's leg.

The Nordic nation froze, then slowly turned his head to glare at the man at his feet. If Belarus hadn't already been Miss Creepy herself, that icy glare would have truly creeped her out.

Switzerland visibly shuddered and quickly scrambled to his feet. He didn't apologize though.

"What are you doing here?" Belarus asked him, although she had a feeling she already knew the answer.

Switzerland stuttered and blushed.

Belarus sighed heavily and threw her hands up in the air in an exasperated gesture. "You are both such beginners!" she exclaimed.

She was just about to lecture them about the fine art of stalking, but that moment, Iceland shyly reached forward to take one of Liechtenstein's hands in between his.

There was a short moment of silence, only filled with the happy chirping of the birds, and then– "What... what is he doing?" Switzerland was the first one to react, "... get your filthy hands off Liechtenstein this instant or–"

Belarus managed to quickly clamp her hand over his mouth, silencing him before he could reveal their hiding place.

For a moment, Liechtenstein frowned a little and looked about her as if she wasn't sure if she had heard something. But then she probably decided it had just been some animal and went back to gazing lovingly into Iceland's eyes.

Luckily, she didn't seem to have noticed anything.

"Phew!" Belarus sighed in relief. But then she glanced at Switzerland and Norway from the corner of her eyes and it didn't look like this conversation was over yet.

"Take that back," Norway was just saying tonelessly.

"No." Switzerland crossed his arms over his chest stubbornly. "I just know that Iceland's intentions towards Liechtenstein are impure. He is a dangerous pervert! Just look at how he is leering at her, it is revolting!"

Norway's brows furrowed dangerously. "Well, Iceland is not the one who is wearing a skimpy dress!" he hissed back, "your sister is being the cheap, easy whore here!"

Switzerland gasped dramatically. "You... didn't just call my sister a... a... no, I can't even say the word, it's too filthy!"

"Whore? Slut? Hooker? Hoe?" Norway offered, he didn't even blink. "Yes, I did."

The Swiss man exploded at such nonchalance. "How dare you?" he snapped and his face turned beet-red, "what is wrong with you? Are you... gay for your own brother or what?"

Norway lost his usual calm at that. "I am not!" he protested, his cheeks starting to get flushed as well, "Don't you dare to fucking talk shit about me and my family! You are the one being all... all _hetero _over your sister here!"

"Shut up! At least we are not blood-related! So there is nothing wrong about it!"

Belarus wanted to facepalm. She tried to tune their bickering out, but honestly, it was hard.

_Oh w__hat have I done to deserve this? _she thought melodramatically to herself.

"Don't make me shoot you, you rude pervert brother!"

Norway's eyes narrowed dangerously. "One more word and I'll tell my troll to squish you under his little finger without as much blinking."

Switzerland paused a moment to consider that.

"... you don't happen to have a troll with you just now, do you?" he finally asked, his expression wary.

Norway smirked evilly.

Belarus just shook her head. _What beginners... _she thought, then she picked up her binoculars again to continue watching Russia.

And then her heart skipped a beat when she saw that her brother had just started talking to China.

"... AAARGH!"

_**I should really go back to studying now. o.O**_


End file.
